Deflated (part 2)

That's a word that I learned more about today.  And I think I like it.


If you haven't already read Deflated (part 1), then you should read that first.  Seriously, things ought to be in order: books by author, movies alphabetized, blog posts in the order that they're posted....


You might have noticed that in that post, I stated that I dislike the word "deflated."  And it's true, I do dislike it when it applies to a car's tire.  This post isn't a continuation of my verbose tale.


This post is about ME.  Well...  Okay, actually it's not just about me; it may well apply to you, too.


The word "deflated" can be defined as to "cause someone to suddenly lose confidence or feel less important."  That's the kind of deflated I'm talking about here.  And I'll use a synonym for it, too:  Humbled.

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Confession time.  I am going to talk about my flat tire story again.  Gotcha!

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When I called my dad, I myself felt deflated.  I was humbled by the fact that only a few weeks ago, my sister came home and announced that she had hit a curb just outside our neighborhood and got a flat tire.  And while I genuinely felt sorry for her - it was an accident, after all - something inside me gloated.  I was proud of the fact that it was Chaela who had messed up, and not me; my good-driver-status was intact, and perhaps heightened by comparison.


I hate that that response, regardless how minuscule, was in me.  I ought to have had nothing to do with a thought like that.


Perhaps that's part of why I was so put down by a silly little flat tire of my own; I had been brought down by my own terms.  More than that, I was reminded of that ugliness of character I had displayed within myself.


But that's not the only humbling I experienced this evening.


I know that I am not particularly strong.  I know there is absolutely no shame in asking for help.  But there is still something that tugs at my pride when I do have to ask for help, and especially when I cannot do much anything while being helped.  That thing that "tugs at my pride" says, "Yep.  You're weak.  How cute.  You need someone bigger and stronger and better to do that for ya.  Why did you try in the first place?  You should have seen yourself -- you looked pretty foolish."


The thing is, I DO NEED HELP.  And I do need someone bigger than me, who's stronger than I am, and who is better than I am at whatever.  This resentful attitude is wrong and quite frankly, is sinful.

I know there are times when I insist to God that I can do it on my own, and feel that if I have to ask for His help I'm just displaying my shameful weakness.  But guess what I was reminded of today?


Weakness is not shameful... but my attitude in weakness can be shameful.


With God's help (I know I need it!) and by His grace, I will choose to have a joyful attitude that will please Him next time I'm deflated.  I pray you will do the same.

Deflated (part 1)

That's not a word I especially liked earlier this evening.


This evening I met up with my friend, Michael, who has recently returned from a 6-month deployment to Afghanistan.  My car is AWOL (okay, it's only MY leave it forgot to take), so I drove the rental we have in place of Arun.  We went to Mom's favorite ice cream and gelato place in the Springs - Glacier - and after good conversation, one bowl of delicious gelato, and another bowl of not-so-delectable gelato, we went our separate ways.


This is where it gets interesting....


Because I could see the interstate was backed up, I opted for the back road route.  Unfortunately, I rarely travel that road, and missed a turn, so I did a quick U-turn.  And hit the curb.  Hard.  And I knew (and felt) immediately that the front right tire was flatter than a baking soda-free pancake.

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Note to self:  Quick U-turns work in vehicles I'm used to driving, like my CRV.  Slow U-turns are advisable when driving rental cars that are longer than they seem.

Too bad I don't have my own TARDIS so I could go back in time and hand myself that note.  Of course, I couldn't do that anyway, since I'd be crossing my own time stream and even if I got the note to some one else (10 or 11, please!), I suppose I wouldn't have the note right now because it's the direct result of that mistake.  SORRY.  Too much "Doctor Who" lately.  Maybe.  Which reminds me... I don't want to miss tomorrow's new episode!  I keep forgetting to watch on Saturday nights or to record them....

Anyway!  Back to the story.  Sorry.                                
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Thankfully I was able to pull in to a space that was off the road and out of the way.  I know perfectly well how to change a flat tire (at least, I watched Dad and another friend change a tire, and I think I paid pretty god attention).  But I was so startled by the whole thing and angry at myself for not knowing better, I called Dad in tears, who said he'd be right on his way if I needed him to make the almost half-hour drive.  I love my dad.  :)  Of course, I figured I could at least try it on my own and call him back.

After I'd calmed down and pulled the donut, jack, and ratchet from the trunk, and discovered that I'm not strong enough to get most of the lug nuts off, I ended up calling Michael.  (Thank You, Lord, for the invention of cell phones!)  Despite the fact that he was already a little late meeting someone for dinner, Michael turned around and came to help me.  He got everything in order, and again, we were back on our ways.


And that's the story of why I don't like the word "deflated" today.

Despite the Flaws

This is a little something I realized and wrote down while traveling earlier this summer.  Thanks to the nature of moving, I got to rediscover this thought while unpacking boxes and sorting through my notebooks and things.  What a blessing!  I am always in need of forgiveness, I feel; but there are those days and weeks when I feel especially flawed, and this is one of those times in which these words were an overwhelming yet comforting reminder.

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Imagine -- if you can recognize the flaws in yourself and others; and others can see where you are falling short in character development, spiritual maturity, attitude, and so on; how much more acute is God's knowledge of these things.

If you make (create or craft) something, you more than likely know its designated purpose.  God most certainly knows that designed purpose for each and every one of His creations!

And imagine, since He not only can see where we fall short, but also how far we fall short, His forgiveness of us when we commit any sin (which may be dubbed our "ultimate shortcomings") is incredible.  The fact that He has a perfect and unwavering love for us despite our flaws is unfathomable, overwhelming, and beautiful!

How wonderful is the God we serve?

Words

Written, typed, texted, spoken in person or long-distance; read, heard, seen, interpreted...

Words are incredibly powerful.  

In the Sunday school class I'm teaching at my church (I love my middle school girls!) we've been working through the book of James.  A couple of Sundays ago, we studied the passage in which James talks about taming the tongue.  We talked a whole lot about how influential our words are.  Everything really seemed to sink in, and a couple of the girls offered their own wise insights.


On a different note, this week has been pretty challenging for me (see Stressed...), especially the last two or three days.  I've been exhausted physically, emotionally, and spiritually; and I have really felt the effects.  Because at least a low-moderate level of stress is not too unusual for me, I tend to bear up decently, but once my stress-o-meter reaches moderate-high stress, I... well, let's just say that even I don't like being around myself at that point.  I am ashamed to admit that one thing I sometimes do when I'm stressed or frustrated is verbally abuse myself.  It has taken me a long time to realize that's what I'm doing, and it took me scolding someone else for doing it to themselves!

"You're pathetic."
"Seriously...you're going out looking like that??"
"Sheesh, Ugly, hit the gym if you have to go out in public."
"You idiot, you should have worked harder/done better/known not to do that...."
"Why do you even bother to try __________?"

Talk about a "fire, a world of iniquity"!  Somehow, though, I had always assumed that the tongue - the "little fire," the "small rudder or a large ship," the "evil and poisonous" thing sitting innocently behind my teeth - was only capable of hurting others.  And while that is true by means of gossip, thoughtless words, sharp insults, and more, it is also true that my tongue is completely capable of causing injury to me.


My mom has reminded me on different occasions when she caught me putting myself down that my self-inflicted verbal abuse is sin.  When I call myself ugly or unintelligent, I am essentially saying that God's work is flawed.  That thought always puts things into perspective for me:  How dare I devalue myself?


Yes, I am flawed, because I am a sinner currently residing in a sin-cursed world.  Correction:  I am a redeemed, forgiven sinner who is currently residing in a fallen world.  I have been redeemed my Jesus' sacrifice when He took the penalty for my sins (including each time I have put down one of His precious creations).  It is by my acceptance of that redemption and His all-powerful mercy that I am forgiven.


This evening I was reading a newly discovered blog (I highly recommend checking it out!), and I came across a beautiful piece of encouragement.  In the midst of one of her "Other Virgin Diaries" blog posts, PhyliciaDelta said something that hit home for me.  "...[my] value is already determined."  I do not determine my value; neither is it based off of what I do or how I look.  My value was determined before I was even conceived by the marvelous God who made me and who is still molding me into the woman I ought to be.


Those are some words I needed to hear tonight.

I need to stop using my words to hurt anyone, including myself.

I need to start intentionally using my words to encourage and heal.

And maybe - just maybe - I need to start listening to myself and my students better as we study the most beautiful words ever written.