Example 1: Things in my room, on my desk, and generally wherever I am have to be in order. Even if "order" means piles of school books, papers, and odd notes and to-do lists on my desk, there is a place for everything and I feel like I'll go crazy if it isn't in its place.
Example 2: Every light switch in my house has to be flipped the "correct" direction if there is more than one switch to a light. I will sometimes go out of my way to fix a switch that's been left the "wrong" way. (I'm intentionally working on not letting this bother me, though.)
Example 3: I started this blog post as a Facebook status, but wanted to convey my thoughts just right so my status quickly became tediously long.
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Perfectionist? A little, maybe. Or maybe I just have some weird quirks.
Perfect? HAH! Not by a long shot. In fact, I've begun noticing more and more lately that a lot of these little quirky things can not only be distracting to me and to others around me, but they can be downright annoying.
You might be thinking, "Well, DUH, of course they're distracting and annoying. Who cares about which way a light switch goes, whether someone has their t-shirt sleeve flipped up the wrong way, or that a pile on your desk isn't at right angles with the other piles?" You're absolutely right - these are silly.
All the same, I believe that orderliness is a lovely thing. God Himself is, I believe, the Author of order from the workings of all living things on a microscopic level to the way churches were set up in the New Testament. I once read when I was in middle school that some scientific study showed that people tend to sleep more peacefully in a tidy room than in a messy one. (Honestly, I was just excited that there was an explanation for why I would stay up late cleaning Michaela's and my room just so I could get in bed without feeling restless!)
In addition to these things, lists and planning are the backbone to much of my daily life. I make lists of chores and errands, of places I would like to go and things I'd like to do, and of homework that needs to be completed. I will be going on a road trip in April, and already have planned out how long each leg of the trip should take, where to stop to refuel, and what expenses I'll need to be prepared for. Sure, I don't stick to my lists and plans all the time - I enjoy spontaneity and try to choose an adventuresome attitude when I get lost. I love to ignore my course assignment lists to spend time with friends or a couple hours on painting. But I do still feel lost if I haven't at least written everything out.
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On the other hand, though, fixation on unimportant little details is far from lovely. It takes away from time spent with my friends and family. It creates frustration in me where none should exist in the first place. I would go so far as to say that it can be harmful to me emotionally and spiritually. Emotionally, because I am focused on things that aggravate me about others' habits. This leads me to becoming frustrated with myself because I can't see any logical reason to be annoyed, and I spiral downward from there. Spiritually, because I am essentially setting myself and my little rules and habits as right, and anything else as wrong. I become so distracted by my way of doing things (and "fixing" others' ways of doing things) that I forget to set myself aside and learn about the God who created me.
Even now, and in other moments when I see the trouble with my perfectionism and odd little quirks, I have to remind myself that God in no way messed up on me. Any wrong thing I do is directly caused by sin in the world and my choice to comply with my worldly self (which really is silly, because that means I'm basically allowing a dead and empty version of me to be in charge of the loving and full-of -the-Holy-Spirit version of me)!
I do mess up; God cannot mess up. To mess up in any way would be counter to His very nature.
If this is the case, why on earth do I constantly choose to do things my way? Why don't I simply go to this perfect God (who has already saved me from my old, sinful self by His inexplicable grace, mercy, and love) and hand my perfectionisms over in exchange for His perfect plan?
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Confession: I feel safer when I [think I] know exactly what will happen, even though I know some of the most wonderful things happen entirely without having a list, rule, or plan of my own in place.
Example 1: In March 2014, I was teaching two ASL classes at High Country, working on a college course I didn't particularly enjoy, learning how to do human makeup for The Thorn. Now, although I sometimes feel like graduation can't come soon enough, I more fully realize how blessed I am that I get to study both seemingly tedious and perfectly practical/enjoyable college courses free from any weight of debt, thanks to two years' worth of my dad's G. I. Bill. Also, I have gotten to participate in all sorts of fun and unique experiences, and through those I've learned so much and have gotten to meet lots of interesting people.
Example 2: A year ago yesterday, I met Sarah (who had just moved here from Michigan) while hanging out with three other dear friends. Since then, she has become one of my dearest friends and confidants, and she, Chaela, and I are planning on moving into an apartment together before the year is out. I sure didn't see any of that coming!
Example 3: Last year right about now, Mom, Michaela, and I were getting ready to have Dad come home from deployment almost two full months ahead of schedule - what a wonderful joy and blessing! There are far too many factors to list here that were completely out of my control, so I had either to hand my cares concerning them over to God, or go crazy worrying over them. (Thanks largely to my mom's example and to His consistent faithfulness, I usually did remember to hand those worries over.)
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Thank goodness I'm not in charge of getting everything right. Thank goodness I'm really not in charge at all, except of my own self - my heart and attitude, my choices and actions. There are many things that can and should be in order, and I want to devote my energy to those far more worthy causes (helping and encouraging others, studying the Bible with others and on my own so I can keep God's perfect plan in mind in place of my own flawed ideas, managing my time wisely so I don't waste the blessings I've been given....).
Thank goodness for a perfect God and His infallibly perfect plans.
