Perfect Plans

Confession:  I can be a bit of a perfectionist sometimes.

Example 1:  Things in my room, on my desk, and generally wherever I am have to be in order.  Even if "order" means piles of school books, papers, and odd notes and to-do lists on my desk, there is a place for everything and I feel like I'll go crazy if it isn't in its place.

Example 2:  Every light switch in my house has to be flipped the "correct" direction if there is more than one switch to a light.  I will sometimes go out of my way to fix a switch that's been left the "wrong" way.  (I'm intentionally working on not letting this bother me, though.)

Example 3:  I started this blog post as a Facebook status, but wanted to convey my thoughts just right so my status quickly became tediously long.


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Perfectionist?  A little, maybe.  Or maybe I just have some weird quirks.

Perfect?  HAH!  Not by a long shot.  In fact, I've begun noticing more and more lately that a lot of these little quirky things can not only be distracting to me and to others around me, but they can be downright annoying.

You might be thinking, "Well, DUH, of course they're distracting and annoying.  Who cares about which way a light switch goes, whether someone has their t-shirt sleeve flipped up the wrong way, or that a pile on your desk isn't at right angles with the other piles?"  You're absolutely right - these are silly.

All the same, I believe that orderliness is a lovely thing.  God Himself is, I believe, the Author of order from the workings of all living things on a microscopic level to the way churches were set up in the New Testament.  I once read when I was in middle school that some scientific study showed that people tend to sleep more peacefully in a tidy room than in a messy one.  (Honestly, I was just excited that there was an explanation for why I would stay up late cleaning Michaela's and my room just so I could get in bed without feeling restless!)

In addition to these things, lists and planning are the backbone to much of my daily life.  I make lists of chores and errands, of places I would like to go and things I'd like to do, and of homework that needs to be completed.  I will be going on a road trip in April, and already have planned out how long each leg of the trip should take, where to stop to refuel, and what expenses I'll need to be prepared for.  Sure, I don't stick to my lists and plans all the time - I enjoy spontaneity and try to choose an adventuresome attitude when I get lost.  I love to ignore my course assignment lists to spend time with friends or a couple hours on painting.  But I do still feel lost if I haven't at least written everything out.

On the other hand, though, fixation on unimportant little details is far from lovely.  It takes away from time spent with my friends and family.  It creates frustration in me where none should exist in the first place.  I would go so far as to say that it can be harmful to me emotionally and spiritually.  Emotionally, because I am focused on things that aggravate me about others' habits.  This leads me to becoming frustrated with myself because I can't see any logical reason to be annoyed, and I spiral downward from there.  Spiritually, because I am essentially setting myself and my little rules and habits as right, and anything else as wrong.  I become so distracted by my way of doing things (and "fixing" others' ways of doing things) that I forget to set myself aside and learn about the God who created me.

Even now, and in other moments when I see the trouble with my perfectionism and odd little quirks, I have to remind myself that God in no way messed up on me.  Any wrong thing I do is directly caused by sin in the world and my choice to comply with my worldly self (which really is silly, because that means I'm basically allowing a dead and empty version of me to be in charge of the loving and full-of -the-Holy-Spirit version of me)!

I do mess up; God cannot mess up.  To mess up in any way would be counter to His very nature.

If this is the case, why on earth do I constantly choose to do things my way?  Why don't I simply go to this perfect God (who has already saved me from my old, sinful self by His inexplicable grace, mercy, and love) and hand my perfectionisms over in exchange for His perfect plan?


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Confession:  I feel safer when I [think I] know exactly what will happen, even though I know some of the most wonderful things happen entirely without having a list, rule, or plan of my own in place.

Example 1:  In March 2014, I was teaching two ASL classes at High Country, working on a college course I didn't particularly enjoy, learning how to do human makeup for The Thorn.  Now, although I sometimes feel like graduation can't come soon enough, I more fully realize how blessed I am that I get to study both seemingly tedious and perfectly practical/enjoyable college courses free from any weight of debt, thanks to two years' worth of my dad's G. I. Bill.  Also, I have gotten to participate in all sorts of fun and unique experiences, and through those I've learned so much and have gotten to meet lots of interesting people.

Example 2:  A year ago yesterday, I met Sarah (who had just moved here from Michigan) while hanging out with three other dear friends.  Since then, she has become one of my dearest friends and confidants, and she, Chaela, and I are planning on moving into an apartment together before the year is out.  I sure didn't see any of that coming!

Example 3:  Last year right about now, Mom, Michaela, and I were getting ready to have Dad come home from deployment almost two full months ahead of schedule - what a wonderful joy and blessing!  There are far too many factors to list here that were completely out of my control, so I had either to hand my cares concerning them over to God, or go crazy worrying over them.  (Thanks largely to my mom's example and to His consistent faithfulness, I usually did remember to hand those worries over.)


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Thank goodness I'm not in charge of getting everything right.  Thank goodness I'm really not in charge at all, except of my own self - my heart and attitude, my choices and actions.  There are many things that can and should be in order, and I want to devote my energy to those far more worthy causes (helping and encouraging others, studying the Bible with others and on my own so I can keep God's perfect plan in mind in place of my own flawed ideas, managing my time wisely so I don't waste the blessings I've been given....).

Thank goodness for a perfect God and His infallibly perfect plans.

Content

1 Timothy 6:6-9

            6 Now godliness with contentment is great gain.  7 For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out.  8 And having food and clothing, with these we shall be content.  9 But to those who desire to be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and harmful lusts which drown men in destruction and perdition.

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            I realize that in this passage - particularly notable in v. 9 and on - the "richness" seems to refer literally to wealth and money or other worldly possessions.  Nevertheless, as I read this, I think I can replace the word "rich" with "married" or whatever else I'm struggling with that seems to be preventing me from being content.

            But how can I ever be content, even falsely so, if that state of being is dependent on where I live, what friends I have, where I work, how well I'm doing in school, or my marital status?  There are two reasons those things will never in themselves bring me contentment.  First, contentment is not a state of being; it is a choice.  And that choice may sometimes have to be made on a daily, hourly, or even momentary basis.  It is a struggle.  But it is less so when my focus has been redirected toward the second point:  God.  He is the One and only One who brings contentment.  It is only in Him that I can have peace, true joy, and -- contentment.  If I seek to find any of these things outside of Him, I'll be sorely disappointed and potentially end up hurt because I've settled for something less than what I've been created for.

            Yet I need to keep in mind that even when I am "walking in the center of God's will" (as some put it), even when I realize the above, this struggle will still take place.  But I really ought to be struggling for better reasons than those I have now, the excuses I repeat to myself to excuse my discontentment.  My present excuses are generally that I need something/someone I don't have; that I'm afraid to be okay with where and who I am; and that I just can't seem to grasp contentment, no matter what I do.

            I believe, though, and want to make my attitude follow, that my excuses should be different.  (That is, if I may still call them excuses.)  If I am not content, it will be because it is a moment by moment struggle, and as a weak and sinful human, I am going to have moments wherein I simply am not content.  Lord, let those be brief moments!  If I am not content, it will be because I am actually not okay with where I am and something needs to change.  There is nothing wrong with letting a struggle - even discontentment itself - point out a shortcoming where I can grow and become more like the woman God is shaping me into, and thereby become more wholly the woman that my future husband deserves.

            Now, concerning v. 9 again, I left that in to let it serve as a reminder.  It reminds me that if my desires aren't lined up with God's will and what I know from the Bible, then my desires combined with discontentment can lead to all sorts of heartache and harm.  Honestly, I think I'd rather be stuck struggling with discontentment with my incredibly good God by my side than give in to temporary fixes that I know will only bring me hurt and harm.  Neither side really sounds appealing there, but I also have the added assurance that God truly is good.  

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Luke 11:9-13

            9 "So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.  10 For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks, it will be opened.  11 If a son asks for bread from any father among you, will he give him a stone?  Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent instead of a fish?  12 Or if he asks for an egg, will he offer him a scorpion?  13 If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!"

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            I am convinced that certain desires I have are godly ones, and because of the beautiful encouragement found in that passage from Luke 11, I also believe that God will not withhold any good thing.  The trouble here is not so much that I doubt God will do these good things despite what the Bible says; but rather I fear that He won't simply because He hasn't already done so on my terms, in my preferred timing.  

            So not only to I need to rely on God's help for contentment itself; but I also need to hand Him my doubts.  All easier said than done, I know, but at least for me, I find that once I've thoroughly worked out why I have fear, doubt, or whatever other thing I'm struggling with, it's that much easier for me to look that monster in the face and smile, because I know God is bigger than it is.

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(This post is something of a personal add-on to this gem of a blog post that I read earlier today: Contentment is Not a State of Being.  If you got anything at all from my post, you'll really appreciate Phylicia's!  She writes more fluidly than I do, and has additional scripture in her post on the theme of contentment.  I wrote this after being encouraged by 1 Timothy 6:6, which she included.)

Touchy topic: Trick-or-Treat

This week I've seen so many Facebook posts that have to do with why Christians should or shouldn't participate in Halloween; things to do with Halloween candy; and what costumes people will be wearing to go trick-or-treating, to a party, or to a church harvest festival.

I wanted to add my perspective to this.  Please keep in mind that this post is not intended to condemn anyone who chooses to participate in any way with Halloween; and the same goes for those who choose to treat this as any other night and have nothing to do with the holiday.



I remember going trick-or-treating with my sister, mom, and dad a few times when I was little.  It was so much fun getting dressed up, having Mom help with our costumes and paint our faces, and walking around a neighborhood or two as a family!  I best remember the year Dad dressed up as Noah, pulling our wagon  ark with a cow (Chaela) and a lamb (me), and a bunny walking behind (Mom).

Mom and Dad also took us to our churches' fall festivals, which were even more fun because we got to play games and be around a whole bunch of familiar faces.  When we lived in Illinois, our church celebrated Reformation Day on October 31st, so everyone dressed in period garb.  Of course we girls were more than happy to be princesses!

After the Reformation celebration experience, we moved overseas where Halloween isn't celebrated (although Carnevale is similar, it's celebrated at a different date).  So we did trunk-or-treat on base once or twice - I only remember the year I dressed up as Nancy Drew.  Back stateside, we celebrated with our AWANA group then here in Colorado, with Chaela's TKD dojang.

Last year, I went caroling instead of trick-or-treating (it was a sort of reverse trick-or-treat experience).  That was the most uniquely spent
Halloween night, and while it was unusual, I had a blast!  You can read more about it in the link above.



Needless to say, I've had a pretty varied experience as far as activities on the night of October 31st.  Today, I am a grown-up who still loves playing dress-up whenever I get an excuse.  I am someone who likes candy, caramel apples, and pumpkin bread a little too much.  This year I'm not going out (not even to Chipotle for their wonderful "wear a costume and get a $3 burrito deal!) because I have a lot of reading to do.  But I am absolutely looking forward to meeting my neighbors as they bring their kids around door to door for candy, showing off their cool costumes.

Candy and costumes.  Is that the current foundation for tonight's festivities?

It would appear that the answer is yes.  At least, that sure is what it looks like for the most part.  Harmless enough, right?  Unfortunately, evil has a way of creeping in where it shouldn't be, and bounding in where it's openly welcomed.  And regardless of Halloween's origins being good or evil, it seems there has always been a connection with death.  Is this a celebration of the dead, death, and all things dark; or is this a celebration that death has been defeated for those whose life and death have been handed over to the Conqueror of death?  Granted, for some - perhaps for many - this is just a night to go along with what everyone else is doing.

If only it were that easy for Christians!  We are not supposed to be lazy in anything we do, or to simply go with the flow of everyone else's lives.  It does sadden me, though, that those who do think this day and its implications through often end up at the throats of those who think differently.

One blog I read this week (linked through Facebook) put things in a way I appreciated more than anything else I've read yet on this subject.  (Read here.)  While I may not agree with the writer 100%, I appreciate his input and perspective.



Whatever you choose to do tonight or any Halloween night, I hope that your choices are rooted in your convictions.  And whatever your convictions are, please be gracious toward others who think and act differently.  (The fact that you aren't fighting with them does not imply that you agree with them!)  And I urge you to use tonight to become better acquainted with your neighbors and friends.  And if you can, use tonight as a prime opportunity to be a light in the darkness by how you choose to dress, speak, and act.

Deflated (part 2)

That's a word that I learned more about today.  And I think I like it.


If you haven't already read Deflated (part 1), then you should read that first.  Seriously, things ought to be in order: books by author, movies alphabetized, blog posts in the order that they're posted....


You might have noticed that in that post, I stated that I dislike the word "deflated."  And it's true, I do dislike it when it applies to a car's tire.  This post isn't a continuation of my verbose tale.


This post is about ME.  Well...  Okay, actually it's not just about me; it may well apply to you, too.


The word "deflated" can be defined as to "cause someone to suddenly lose confidence or feel less important."  That's the kind of deflated I'm talking about here.  And I'll use a synonym for it, too:  Humbled.

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Confession time.  I am going to talk about my flat tire story again.  Gotcha!

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When I called my dad, I myself felt deflated.  I was humbled by the fact that only a few weeks ago, my sister came home and announced that she had hit a curb just outside our neighborhood and got a flat tire.  And while I genuinely felt sorry for her - it was an accident, after all - something inside me gloated.  I was proud of the fact that it was Chaela who had messed up, and not me; my good-driver-status was intact, and perhaps heightened by comparison.


I hate that that response, regardless how minuscule, was in me.  I ought to have had nothing to do with a thought like that.


Perhaps that's part of why I was so put down by a silly little flat tire of my own; I had been brought down by my own terms.  More than that, I was reminded of that ugliness of character I had displayed within myself.


But that's not the only humbling I experienced this evening.


I know that I am not particularly strong.  I know there is absolutely no shame in asking for help.  But there is still something that tugs at my pride when I do have to ask for help, and especially when I cannot do much anything while being helped.  That thing that "tugs at my pride" says, "Yep.  You're weak.  How cute.  You need someone bigger and stronger and better to do that for ya.  Why did you try in the first place?  You should have seen yourself -- you looked pretty foolish."


The thing is, I DO NEED HELP.  And I do need someone bigger than me, who's stronger than I am, and who is better than I am at whatever.  This resentful attitude is wrong and quite frankly, is sinful.

I know there are times when I insist to God that I can do it on my own, and feel that if I have to ask for His help I'm just displaying my shameful weakness.  But guess what I was reminded of today?


Weakness is not shameful... but my attitude in weakness can be shameful.


With God's help (I know I need it!) and by His grace, I will choose to have a joyful attitude that will please Him next time I'm deflated.  I pray you will do the same.

Deflated (part 1)

That's not a word I especially liked earlier this evening.


This evening I met up with my friend, Michael, who has recently returned from a 6-month deployment to Afghanistan.  My car is AWOL (okay, it's only MY leave it forgot to take), so I drove the rental we have in place of Arun.  We went to Mom's favorite ice cream and gelato place in the Springs - Glacier - and after good conversation, one bowl of delicious gelato, and another bowl of not-so-delectable gelato, we went our separate ways.


This is where it gets interesting....


Because I could see the interstate was backed up, I opted for the back road route.  Unfortunately, I rarely travel that road, and missed a turn, so I did a quick U-turn.  And hit the curb.  Hard.  And I knew (and felt) immediately that the front right tire was flatter than a baking soda-free pancake.

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Note to self:  Quick U-turns work in vehicles I'm used to driving, like my CRV.  Slow U-turns are advisable when driving rental cars that are longer than they seem.

Too bad I don't have my own TARDIS so I could go back in time and hand myself that note.  Of course, I couldn't do that anyway, since I'd be crossing my own time stream and even if I got the note to some one else (10 or 11, please!), I suppose I wouldn't have the note right now because it's the direct result of that mistake.  SORRY.  Too much "Doctor Who" lately.  Maybe.  Which reminds me... I don't want to miss tomorrow's new episode!  I keep forgetting to watch on Saturday nights or to record them....

Anyway!  Back to the story.  Sorry.                                
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Thankfully I was able to pull in to a space that was off the road and out of the way.  I know perfectly well how to change a flat tire (at least, I watched Dad and another friend change a tire, and I think I paid pretty god attention).  But I was so startled by the whole thing and angry at myself for not knowing better, I called Dad in tears, who said he'd be right on his way if I needed him to make the almost half-hour drive.  I love my dad.  :)  Of course, I figured I could at least try it on my own and call him back.

After I'd calmed down and pulled the donut, jack, and ratchet from the trunk, and discovered that I'm not strong enough to get most of the lug nuts off, I ended up calling Michael.  (Thank You, Lord, for the invention of cell phones!)  Despite the fact that he was already a little late meeting someone for dinner, Michael turned around and came to help me.  He got everything in order, and again, we were back on our ways.


And that's the story of why I don't like the word "deflated" today.

Despite the Flaws

This is a little something I realized and wrote down while traveling earlier this summer.  Thanks to the nature of moving, I got to rediscover this thought while unpacking boxes and sorting through my notebooks and things.  What a blessing!  I am always in need of forgiveness, I feel; but there are those days and weeks when I feel especially flawed, and this is one of those times in which these words were an overwhelming yet comforting reminder.

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Imagine -- if you can recognize the flaws in yourself and others; and others can see where you are falling short in character development, spiritual maturity, attitude, and so on; how much more acute is God's knowledge of these things.

If you make (create or craft) something, you more than likely know its designated purpose.  God most certainly knows that designed purpose for each and every one of His creations!

And imagine, since He not only can see where we fall short, but also how far we fall short, His forgiveness of us when we commit any sin (which may be dubbed our "ultimate shortcomings") is incredible.  The fact that He has a perfect and unwavering love for us despite our flaws is unfathomable, overwhelming, and beautiful!

How wonderful is the God we serve?

Words

Written, typed, texted, spoken in person or long-distance; read, heard, seen, interpreted...

Words are incredibly powerful.  

In the Sunday school class I'm teaching at my church (I love my middle school girls!) we've been working through the book of James.  A couple of Sundays ago, we studied the passage in which James talks about taming the tongue.  We talked a whole lot about how influential our words are.  Everything really seemed to sink in, and a couple of the girls offered their own wise insights.


On a different note, this week has been pretty challenging for me (see Stressed...), especially the last two or three days.  I've been exhausted physically, emotionally, and spiritually; and I have really felt the effects.  Because at least a low-moderate level of stress is not too unusual for me, I tend to bear up decently, but once my stress-o-meter reaches moderate-high stress, I... well, let's just say that even I don't like being around myself at that point.  I am ashamed to admit that one thing I sometimes do when I'm stressed or frustrated is verbally abuse myself.  It has taken me a long time to realize that's what I'm doing, and it took me scolding someone else for doing it to themselves!

"You're pathetic."
"Seriously...you're going out looking like that??"
"Sheesh, Ugly, hit the gym if you have to go out in public."
"You idiot, you should have worked harder/done better/known not to do that...."
"Why do you even bother to try __________?"

Talk about a "fire, a world of iniquity"!  Somehow, though, I had always assumed that the tongue - the "little fire," the "small rudder or a large ship," the "evil and poisonous" thing sitting innocently behind my teeth - was only capable of hurting others.  And while that is true by means of gossip, thoughtless words, sharp insults, and more, it is also true that my tongue is completely capable of causing injury to me.


My mom has reminded me on different occasions when she caught me putting myself down that my self-inflicted verbal abuse is sin.  When I call myself ugly or unintelligent, I am essentially saying that God's work is flawed.  That thought always puts things into perspective for me:  How dare I devalue myself?


Yes, I am flawed, because I am a sinner currently residing in a sin-cursed world.  Correction:  I am a redeemed, forgiven sinner who is currently residing in a fallen world.  I have been redeemed my Jesus' sacrifice when He took the penalty for my sins (including each time I have put down one of His precious creations).  It is by my acceptance of that redemption and His all-powerful mercy that I am forgiven.


This evening I was reading a newly discovered blog (I highly recommend checking it out!), and I came across a beautiful piece of encouragement.  In the midst of one of her "Other Virgin Diaries" blog posts, PhyliciaDelta said something that hit home for me.  "...[my] value is already determined."  I do not determine my value; neither is it based off of what I do or how I look.  My value was determined before I was even conceived by the marvelous God who made me and who is still molding me into the woman I ought to be.


Those are some words I needed to hear tonight.

I need to stop using my words to hurt anyone, including myself.

I need to start intentionally using my words to encourage and heal.

And maybe - just maybe - I need to start listening to myself and my students better as we study the most beautiful words ever written.