Despite the Flaws

This is a little something I realized and wrote down while traveling earlier this summer.  Thanks to the nature of moving, I got to rediscover this thought while unpacking boxes and sorting through my notebooks and things.  What a blessing!  I am always in need of forgiveness, I feel; but there are those days and weeks when I feel especially flawed, and this is one of those times in which these words were an overwhelming yet comforting reminder.

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Imagine -- if you can recognize the flaws in yourself and others; and others can see where you are falling short in character development, spiritual maturity, attitude, and so on; how much more acute is God's knowledge of these things.

If you make (create or craft) something, you more than likely know its designated purpose.  God most certainly knows that designed purpose for each and every one of His creations!

And imagine, since He not only can see where we fall short, but also how far we fall short, His forgiveness of us when we commit any sin (which may be dubbed our "ultimate shortcomings") is incredible.  The fact that He has a perfect and unwavering love for us despite our flaws is unfathomable, overwhelming, and beautiful!

How wonderful is the God we serve?

Words

Written, typed, texted, spoken in person or long-distance; read, heard, seen, interpreted...

Words are incredibly powerful.  

In the Sunday school class I'm teaching at my church (I love my middle school girls!) we've been working through the book of James.  A couple of Sundays ago, we studied the passage in which James talks about taming the tongue.  We talked a whole lot about how influential our words are.  Everything really seemed to sink in, and a couple of the girls offered their own wise insights.


On a different note, this week has been pretty challenging for me (see Stressed...), especially the last two or three days.  I've been exhausted physically, emotionally, and spiritually; and I have really felt the effects.  Because at least a low-moderate level of stress is not too unusual for me, I tend to bear up decently, but once my stress-o-meter reaches moderate-high stress, I... well, let's just say that even I don't like being around myself at that point.  I am ashamed to admit that one thing I sometimes do when I'm stressed or frustrated is verbally abuse myself.  It has taken me a long time to realize that's what I'm doing, and it took me scolding someone else for doing it to themselves!

"You're pathetic."
"Seriously...you're going out looking like that??"
"Sheesh, Ugly, hit the gym if you have to go out in public."
"You idiot, you should have worked harder/done better/known not to do that...."
"Why do you even bother to try __________?"

Talk about a "fire, a world of iniquity"!  Somehow, though, I had always assumed that the tongue - the "little fire," the "small rudder or a large ship," the "evil and poisonous" thing sitting innocently behind my teeth - was only capable of hurting others.  And while that is true by means of gossip, thoughtless words, sharp insults, and more, it is also true that my tongue is completely capable of causing injury to me.


My mom has reminded me on different occasions when she caught me putting myself down that my self-inflicted verbal abuse is sin.  When I call myself ugly or unintelligent, I am essentially saying that God's work is flawed.  That thought always puts things into perspective for me:  How dare I devalue myself?


Yes, I am flawed, because I am a sinner currently residing in a sin-cursed world.  Correction:  I am a redeemed, forgiven sinner who is currently residing in a fallen world.  I have been redeemed my Jesus' sacrifice when He took the penalty for my sins (including each time I have put down one of His precious creations).  It is by my acceptance of that redemption and His all-powerful mercy that I am forgiven.


This evening I was reading a newly discovered blog (I highly recommend checking it out!), and I came across a beautiful piece of encouragement.  In the midst of one of her "Other Virgin Diaries" blog posts, PhyliciaDelta said something that hit home for me.  "...[my] value is already determined."  I do not determine my value; neither is it based off of what I do or how I look.  My value was determined before I was even conceived by the marvelous God who made me and who is still molding me into the woman I ought to be.


Those are some words I needed to hear tonight.

I need to stop using my words to hurt anyone, including myself.

I need to start intentionally using my words to encourage and heal.

And maybe - just maybe - I need to start listening to myself and my students better as we study the most beautiful words ever written.  

Overwhelmed by...

STRESS.  Ugh, I don't like being stressed, but it just seems to happen quite naturally.

Do you ever feel so overwhelmed by one thought, one emotion, one event, that it's all you can do to accomplish anything?  I know that feeling quite well.  Not because I experience it very often, but because it's what I'm going through right now.

Unfortunately, this sort of total consumption is usually unpleasant, as it is for me at this moment.  My poor camel has been laden with stress of moving, stress of school (especially that bothersome history course), stress of will-not-be-spoken-here things, and stress of doing my best as a Sunday school and sign language teacher.  Now the final straw has been laid on that camel's back, and it looks like he just might break.  I have to go through a procedure I've had twice before (last time was in February), as another doctor tries to figure out what's up with my body and what can be done to help.

The funny thing is, none of these things are bad at all (even history)!

• We are moving into a house that God has blessed Mom in finding:  It has a lower rent, has a great layout, welcoming neighborhood, and wonderful landlord.  Additionally, my family and I are blessed to have a bunch of friends who would gladly come and help up move if and when we need them.
• I get to have the peace of mind, knowing that I get to graduate next year with a BA and debt free, thanks to my parents' generosity, the G.I. Bill, and God's provision.  I also get to take my courses online, which allows me to be more involved in other activities because of the flexible study schedule.
• I can see that God is using those unspoken things to help me mature emotionally and spiritually.  Only a few weeks ago I taught my middle school girls over James 1:2-4.  "...count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience...."
• Teaching is a joy for me, and I love the girls I get to teach!  Studying the scripture and sign language helps me a great deal; getting to share what I have learned and am learning is an added blessing!
• The doctor I was referred to is a kind and good doctor, so far as I've been able to tell.  I am thankful he isn't willing to just go ahead with whatever treatment seems most logical without first checking the results of the upcoming procedure to make sure we choose the best course of action.

It's mainly that last thing that has me weighted down with unnecessary apprehension.  But even with that, I know God is completely in control.  Sometimes I just need a focus check, I guess.  My worry and stress stem from focusing on my school or work or whatever, rather than on Him who made me able to complete those tasks.  

I clearly can't do this on my own.  And as much as I appreciate my parents, sister, and friends' support of me and my efforts, they aren't enough, although God may choose to use them in encouraging me, helping me, and scolding my foolishness when needed (and believe me, it is needed from time to time).  Whatever abilities I have are from God Himself; whatever abilities I lack can be supplemented by Him alone.  What a comforting thought!

PEACE.  And it's not some silly, empty thing that came from me emptying my mind of all my stressors or some such nonsense.  It's something beautiful that can only come from God, I know, because it passes understanding.

Another Year, Another House!

We're off once more!  Again, we're just moving a short distance across town, but still, it involves a great deal of planning, packing, and patience.

Okay, maybe patience isn't directly linked to moving usually, and of course patience is required outside of this particular activity, but I sure feel like I need more of it than I currently have.  I'll own up to the fact that I am a bit of a perfectionist control-freak.  As such, I know that within this week, I will most likely have a meltdown or bout of insanity, because while my desk may be (more or less) neat and tidy, the entire open space of the basement behind me is a jumble of full boxes, empty boxes, Dad's military gear, packed up musical instruments, pillows and blankets, and a ping-pong table.

And that's just what I can think of off the top of my head without turning around and viewing the mess.

The contents of my room are almost entirely ready to be transitioned from their current space to my new room, and (thank the Lord for whomever invented walk-in closets!) all my boxes and bins and things are tucked nicely away into my closet, where I can shut the door and enjoy my now sparsely furnished but clean room.  In fact, my room has been my go-to escape zone this past week.  I've found that I truly can relax for a little while when I'm in there, even if I've brought along my dreaded Western Civilizations I homework.  That fact just confirms to me that my neat-freakishness may need a small reality check.

Or maybe it's just a good way for me to recharge so I can continue with the work that needs to be accomplished outside of my haven.  Either way, I like it in my safe spot now more than ever.

It's funny.  Even though I get kind of stressed during this process, I don't think I'm as stressed as I very easily could be.  Two reasons:

               1.  This kind of craziness is pretty normal in my life.  It's the totally unknown things that get to me more than that which is unknown but at least somewhat familiar.  (Of course, the familiar things I like best are my God's nearness and the peace He brings, my family, the military, and church.)

               2.  I know God is in this, and He has a new place for me to be and there, new people to meet.  All this insanity is in His hands, which renders the situation as a whole under the best control.

It would seem that I have to head off now - I have school and packing (woohoo!) to do in the morning, and I've been running on too little sleep lately as it is.  Good night, all!

Other Blogs

          A great deal of my time - an embarrassing amount of time, really - is spent on Facebook.  How I use it or why I'm logged on so often is not the point of discussion here, however.  Rather, I'd like to use this post to give my own little shout out to a couple of blog posts I have recently come across, thanks to (you got it!) Facebook.

First,
http://www.thomasumstattd.com/2014/08/courtship-fundamentally-flawed/

          My mom read this first, then my sister and I did, and finally we pulled Dad over to a computer for him to read it himself.  While I may not agree with this particular blog post 100% I really appreciate that someone has taken the consideration and time to answer a lot of questions I've had, and to address some of the fears and concerns I have faced since my (first) breakup almost a year ago.  The 5ish% that I don't really go for is basically this:  I am NOT going to leave my theologically sound, strictly and unashamedly Bible-preaching church family that happens to lack a large number of eligible young men just to make myself more available.  (Nevertheless, I have looked into joining another church's young adult group along with one of my dear friends who also read and was inspired by this blog post.)  Also, I want to note that while "traditional dating" absolutely sounds appealing, I think we still ought to be cautious not to become suddenly overzealous - the dating pendulum does not seem to like to hang center for very long.

Second,
http://phyliciadelta.com/i-waited-until-my-wedding-to-lose-my-virginity-and-its-the-best-thing-i-ever-did/

          This is a phenomenally written response to a rather bitterly written post.  I could go on and on about this one, which I do agree with wholeheartedly, and was incredibly encouraged by, but I recommend you just read it.  The writer of this blog, http://phyliciadelta.com , is a wonderful writer.

          Well there you have two genuinely good and helpful things I have found on Facebook!  Now to go finish looking at my Utah/California friends' wedding photos, chatting with an Italian friend, and doing who-knows-what to kill time....

Window World

I stumbled across this little piece while writing up an assignment (first one of the semester!).  I believe I wrote this about three years ago, while my family and I were in our Hidden Rock Road house, for those who know where that is.  Enjoy!

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My bedroom window - a tall frame for the world outside - is a wonderful thing. 

It begins the day by encouraging the shy sun to tiptoe onto my bed and caress

my face (she whispers "good morning - rise and shine!").  When I get up, the

window gleams and beckons to me, and I can almost hear it calling me to peek

out and see the sleepy world:  the mountains are clinging to their thin sheets

of fog which have slid down from above their proud heads to their knees.  The

neighboring houses blink and rub misty sleep from their eyes as their occupants

begin getting ready to leave for work and school.  Birds flutter impatiently and

excitedly about, urging the trees to wake up (the trees wave their arms, trying

shoo the pesky singers away). 

When the sun is at her boldest, peering down at the valley and the surrounding

mountains all at once, my window nearly bursts with the vivid colors showing

through:  the deep greens and blues on the mountains; the golden-red brush

hugging the narrow black-gray pathway behind the houses; the tans, whites,

browns and oranges of the houses themselves; flashes of bright red or silver or

shiny black or blue when cars rove through the neighborhood.  There are people

too, walking or jogging or biking or walking their dogs; a few children racing

home for lunch; a boy skateboarding along the sidewalk.  Each of the

neighborhood dogs is fully awake now, and they make certain everyone nearby

knows so.  (The trees are awake as well; I don't think anyone could sleep

through THAT boisterous barking.) 

The frame darkens a bit as the tired sun slips downward on the horizon.  As she

descends, rainbow colors take turns painting the sky and reflecting onto the

mountains in pastel blues and purples and pinks.  The sun pauses to rest on her

rough rocky chair, and for just a moment the mountains blaze in sudden glory

and their faces are rimmed with gold... but the sun can't stop for too long; she

must continue on her course.  The trees and long prairie grass wave and

whisper "goodnight," to the retreating sun.  As the world dims into the mists

and shadows of night, silence reigns.  Silence.  Then voices, too quiet for any but

the attentively listening ear, begin an angels' song that drifts down from

between silver clouds.  I hear it (faint through my window) and gaze up,

longing to find the source of this heavenly singing; white-silver faces look back

at me from far off in the depths of the silky blue night sky, and weave a lullaby

through their song.

In awe of all that I've seen and heard today, I lay down and close my eyes and dream of the richness of the world just outside my window.  

Don't you remember?

  So... I really enjoy journaling.  A lot.  In fact, I typically have at least two journals at any given time that I'm actively writing in.

This year, I've been using a slightly unusual format for one of these journals:  Instead of writing in the date as I write, I noted 366 dates on every page, so when I'm going to write, I just find the day's date and note the year.  The idea is that if I am good and keep up with this journal for at least another year or two, I'll get to see each day what I was up to/thinking about/praying about in the previous year.

Even when I'm not writing in this journal, I enjoy looking back to see what was going on a year ago or five years ago or however many years ago, today.

Today is an amusing day in my mind, as far as comparison by year is concerned:

June 1, 2014 -- Mom and I are flying to California for a mom-daughter trip, ending with the wedding of two of my friends:  Sam and Sarah.




  
(Here's one of Sarah and me, pretty close to when we first met, which wasn't too long after Sarah and Sam had first met, to my knowledge.  I think I met Sam the summer this photo was taken, though I didn't really get to know him until the following year.)

June 1, 2013 -- I was a bridesmaid in another dear friend's wedding, this time in Temple, Texas.  (Jackie's dress was SO lovely!)

 

May 26, 2012 -- My family and I drove out to California to attend Joy's wedding.  Joy is Sarah's older sister, and during the wedding reception, I happened to chat both with Sam and his older sister, Jessica, who was pregnant at the time.  (Joy and her husband just announced this week that the baby they're expecting in October is a boy!)












Anyway, I think there are some amusing connections there.  :)  Do you remember what you were up to right about now this time in a previous year?